The following is a recently uncovered transcript from a closed-door presentation at Davos. It has been reproduced here with some light editing to protect the person who recorded it and those who attended the session. All redacted names have been replaced with the words “Puppy Dog” for ease of reading.
Who here is thinking about artificial intelligence? Who has considered all the ways it can make an impact on your business? Raise your hand. [Muffled laughter.]
It looks like most, no, actually, just about all of you. That’s great. I’m definitely in the right place. [More laughter, louder this time.]
I’m the CTO of Puppy Dog. Over the last couple of years we’ve been hard at work developing AI solutions to myriad business problems. We’ve worked with some of you in this room on a variety of business cases. We’ve developed agents for your teams; we’ve built secure interfaces that augment the knowledge bases of your puppy dogs, automating a ton of repetitive tasks, and just flat out making things more efficient. We’ve looked at the numbers and found that a relatively small investment in our firm has replaced hundreds, sometimes thousands, of redundant jobs, depending on the scale of our involvement and the problems we’ve been empowered to solve.
Now, that was the past. We’ve been hard at work on our product roadmap, expanding the breadth of our services, and I’m excited to announce a breakthrough we’ve made with Puppy Dogs, a company I’m sure you all know. And many of you have probably seen how our Puppy Dog tool enabled them eliminate puppy dog after puppy dog from their overhead. And now, together, we’ve crossed a new kind of rubicon. The future is here, finally, and there is no going back. We have made it up the chain of command with replacement solutions.
Without further ado, I’m excited to announce to all of you today that we have a fully working and semi-autonomous AI CEO that can be hired and plugged into any organization in any business in most countries. Let me say that again. Instead of making a significant investment into a fallible or mercurial human being, you can buy a custom AI, fine tuned to the needs of your business for a fraction of the cost. All that complex and intense work can be concentrated in an entity that doesn’t sleep, eat expensive meals, require a private jet, say questionable things unless you want it to, or engage in behavior that may embarrass the company, again, unless that’s what you want.
If that was everything it would be something. Am I right? But it’s absolutely not. We’ve developed a few AI CEO archetypes so you can select what’s right for your needs and we’re working on many more.
The first option is modeled on Puppy Dog, a CEO you all know because he can’t stay out of the news these days. This AI CEO can single-handedly run three to five different companies, post and amplify mildly racist or outright racist social media content, depending your appetite, (think of it like a customizable dial), and speak in whatever accent you’d like on podcast interviews. Most importantly it is programmed to be purposely dumb in relation to the business it leads and all other things, but still make wild speculative claims to keep share prices high. We’ve seen that mix is effective among young male investors who treat stocks like a combination of fan clubs and desire fulfillment. We’ve named that model “The Broflation CEO.”
The second option looks and acts like a robot. It’s very similar to Puppy Dog of Puppy Dog, though in this case it doesn’t just act like a robot, it is a robot. It signals to the market that there is a nerd genius at the helm and their peculiarities engenders a perception among customers that they can be trusted. Behind the scenes it’s a pitbull on cost cutting, skirts the line of legality, and will buy every competitor that comes along with greater appeal to younger customers. It can even modulate its opinions on published policy, as long as it’s in service of the bottom line, of course. In our modeling we’ve found that a little edge of unpredictability can be fortuitous. We’re calling this model “The Nerd Monopolist.”
The third option is a little bit of curveball, I’ll admit that. This one isn’t really for established businesses. It’s more geared towards start ups with dubious merit. It is engineered to generate a massive amount of attention. In testing, we’ve found the best way to do this is speak in circles that don’t lead anywhere and attack everything. It paints everything as useless and stupid, while saying useless and stupid things. It’s very much like Puppy Dog, someone who dominates media cycles. This CEO is meant to appeal to low information customers who see four dimensional business chess where people with any sense of reason see nonsense. I will admit that some of our simulations saw this CEO develop Ponzi schemes, meme investments, and on a few occasions bankrupt businesses. It’s the riskiest choice we have so far though it doesn’t require a legitimate business to use this CEO. We call it “The Attention Vacuum.”
My team is happy to demo all of these models for you after this session. We can also show you beta versions of a couple other models – “The Belligerent Benevolent Donor” and “The Irate Investor.” The names are subject to change, though I’ll let the team give you the specifics on those options.
Now, with that I’ll take questions.
Yes, you sir in the back.
[Muffled sound, followed by shuffling of seats.]
Are you curious about what we have in mind after that? Is that it? Well, we are looking at AI Board Members as well.
[People shuffle, competing conversations grow.]
[The sound goes dead.]
As of this printing we have been unable to make contact with any person who attended or lead the talk. We were able to confirm through various off the record sources that there is no AI CEO currently available in any market. The CTO of Puppy Dog currently resides in an island compound only reachable by helicopter or boat, and has retired, according to their legal counsel.
GLAZ 