Donald Trump loves to boast about winning and “making America great again.” His mastery of economics and science by osmosis led to the imposition of tariffs using a methodology only the most advanced AI could match. Many mainstream (lame stream) experts are expecting an increase in inflation and possibly a recession as well. In foreign affairs he’s created and solved so many problems that its hard to fathom why he hasn’t been awarded many, many, Nobel Peace Awards. His patented weave of disjointed thinking, wild claims, and easily disprovable assertions has left the world awestruck. “Many,” by Trump’s estimation, elected him for his “big brain.”
The previous administration, mired in a four year losing streak, added over 16 million jobs, stood by and did nothing while we had the lowest unemployment rate in 50 years, and oversaw a record 21 million new business applications. The world was a dark, bleak place, in dire need of a savior to restore the country to greatness.
In honor of Trump’s legacy of turning losers into greats, let’s look at other examples in history where similar interventions took place.
The printing press was invented in the early 15th century by Johannes Gutenberg and led to exponential growth and sale of printed books and other materials. It led to the dissemination of ideas in philosophy, science, and history. New economic modalities were born. Libraries developed, cities grew, and education became increasingly accessible.
In the seventeenth century, distraught over the fact that Louis XIV’s court spent hours with their noses in books rather than walking the gardens or playing the kinds of mindless games he remembered as a child, Simon Flange, noble advisor the king on regional affairs, took the initiative to return Europe to greatness.
He created France’s Commission of Oral History, staffed with over 500 men, each with a geographic zone of specialization, who traveled throughout those zones burning all printed materials and regaling subjects with a pre-cleared list of fantasy and horror stories. It made France less literate, more fearful of irrational things, and of course restored social life to greatness.
No longer preoccupied with any kind of learning, royal subjects spent idle time cowering in corners or grunting at each other in a game similar to what we know today as “tag.” Flange’s singular focus and political skill in advocating for a return to the historical greatness of illiteracy stands out in history as one of just a few shining examples of a great man in the mold Trump coming into power and rescuing a country from a proverbial cliff.
With the crisis of creeping knowledge and commerce averted France became more insular, focused more on themselves than the rest of Europe. They lost their relative power on the world stage. Formerly allied royals went from concern to tactful outreach and advance before finally resigning themselves to no longer working directly with France. It was a small price to pay for making France great again.
In the sports world, most basketball fans of a certain age remember the Michael Jordan era and the six championships he won with the Chicago Bulls. He is remembered as arguably the best player in history and the team was one of the great dynasties in sports history. But being good isn’t enough. Some franchises are driven by a higher calling. They don’t care about TV ratings, filling arenas, or winning three titles in row on two different occasions. They aim for excellence. They want to be great and that means drastic measures.
Enter Freddie Hardwood, a billionaire whose source of wealth was the subject of Gatsby-level speculation, who bought the team for a record price after their sixth championship, outmaneuvering rival bidders by using the local press to lament how far the team had fallen in the eyes of rival fans. It was so successful that a majority of Bulls fans polled by Fox News at the time of purchase believed Bucks, Pacers, and Knicks fans, among others, considered the Bulls to be a “joke.”
The Bulls were obviously at their nadir and Hardwood had the perfect plan to revive their fortunes. His first act of business was to fire all front and back office staff, then trade away every player associated with the old, unsuccessful regime. He wanted people who praised his purchase in public forums and would fall on their own proverbial sword if needed or just desired on a whim.
Hardwood’s strategy to return to greatness hinged on the originalist ideas of James Naismith. He believed that taking basketball back to its peach basket, pre-three point line roots was the only way to reclaim greatness for the Bulls. While most teams invested in teams balanced on height, speed, athleticism, and more modern interpretations of winning strategies, Hardwood had the ingenious idea to invest only in speed and athleticism, regardless of height or the ability to shoot from behind the arc.
Hardwood fielded the first team in history with an average height below six feet, recruiting mostly prolific players from outdoor sports whose primary goal in playing basketball at all was to stay in shape during winter months. There was no margin for deviation to originalist principles. That team went on to lose by record margins in every game and today is a singular example of a certain type of greatness in basketball lore.
Hardwood blamed all of the team’s failures on the previous ownership and the league itself. He was committed to the idea that his originalist interpretation of the game was the only valid way to play, and the people who changed the rules over time were terrible negotiators. They had relegated the Bulls and basketball to a second rate sport.
Eventually Hardwood was forced to sell the team at a steep discount when his most ardent supporters attacked NBA headquarters in attempt to force new rules on the league. In subsequent years the record losing narrative was forgotten, and Hardwood grew to be remembered as one of the all-time great entertainers in basketball history.
He taught the world the greatest lesson about greatness: it’s better to tell the world how great you are than actually do anything great.
GLAZ 