A witch-hunt is when you repeatedly break the law and the authorities elect to prosecute your malfeasance. Wait, wait; that can’t be right.
A witch-hunt is when you whine about how you’re being treated by law enforcement after you’ve called for political opponents to be “locked up” and pressured foreign governments to initiate public “investigations” of others. That’s probably a little closer to the right definition. Maybe I can do better.
Maybe it’s when you want something to be political so that it can’t be personal or otherwise have anything to do with the stuff you’re on record doing and can’t logically defend in a court of law. I may be onto something here. This is harder than I thought.
I could look it up of course. The problem is it won’t help me understand how Donald Trump interprets the term. He says it a lot. I don’t presume to think he even knows what he means when he says it. It’s a deflection, something to rile up the base, flood the know-nothings with a tsunami of word garbage until they can’t tell what side is up.
But what if Trump is admitting to us that he is in fact a witch, and he’s being hunted for what he can’t help being? He often says the quiet part of scary right-wing ideology out loud, too dumb to know that he’s doing it. His fans and acolytes find it endearing I think. They love the bits about hating specific groups of people and showing them in no uncertain terms on flags, t-shirts, bumper stickers, and every other piece of showy swag. He gives them license to be belligerent because he himself is more or less a creepy looking, maybe supernatural, man-child. You may think this theory is a little far-fetched. I mean, a witch? Really? When it initially popped into my head I immediately dismissed it as fantastical, somewhat puritanical as well. But then it started to make sense in light of everything we’ve seen from him. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we.
The most obvious and glaring similarity is his appearance. Witches always show up in pop culture with heavy, sometimes fake, tans that seem impossible to achieve through normal means. They aren’t always orange per se, though they come close. Maybe there is something they put in their cauldrons that releases toxic fumes that change their skin color, or competing witches have cast a spell on them, or it’s a calling card that tells other witches that they are one of them, like a secret handshake, or it’s the physical manifestation of a mental and emotional deformity. You and I could buy cheap spray tanner or sit outside in the blaring sun without sunscreen and it would be nearly impossible to get the exact shade of orange that Trump has cultivated. His TV make-up enhances the effects of whatever mix of herbs, spices, rabbits feet, mythological animal blood, and whatever else he uses, giving him the appearance of a humanoid carrot.
Then there are the little tics and mannerisms that are an obvious tell. There is something odd, non-human, about the way he puffs up his chest like a bird and breathes audibly in bursts while cornered in a web of rhetorical nonsense. You get the sense that one of those breaths could ignite. I know witches don’t breathe fire like dragons. Maybe Trump is a new species of fire-breathing witch. I don’t know if there is a classification system for witch species, like animals, where he could be properly situated in a Linnaeus style taxonomy. He also has an off-putting mien when the focus is on someone else and he’s in the periphery of a scene. He usually has a glint in his eye and scowl that looks like he’s either thinking of hurting small, cuddly animals or he’s listening to a tiny devil on his shoulder while it strokes his fragile ego. In either case, he’s cooking up the kinds of mental potions that place him firmly in the witch spectrum.
Now, I know he doesn’t dress like a typical witch. He doesn’t have a conical hat (that we know of) nor cape. He doesn’t travel around on a broom stick either. I don’t think it’s realistic for a modern day witch to use those things. It’s too obvious. The skin color thing could actually be the tell that different witches use to communicate their witchiness, as I previously mentioned. If a person looked like Trump and also had the outfit and broom they would probably find it impossible to function in modern society. We have certain norms that even Trump has to abide by. So let’s dismiss the wardrobe issue.
I realize I’m reaching a little bit. I’m trying to convince you and maybe myself at the same time. Here is my trump card so to speak: evidence of witchcraft and spells. I know. Boom, got him. Hear me out though.
How do you explain a middling to below average business person convincing millions of people he’s successful by playing a successful person on television and then turning that sad performance theater platform into a presidential run and ultimate election to the highest office in the country? Witchcraft.
How do you explain the cult-like devotion to a person who simultaneously hates his most fervent supporters for who they are and struggles to string together two coherent sentences in a row? Witchcraft.
How does someone have no grasp of basic governing policy and credits himself for many glowing achievements that aren’t objectively noticeable nor measurable? Witchcraft.
How does a clown command so much media attention when most people hate clowns? Witchcraft.
I rest my case.
